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The Gospel According to St. Titleist

Alex — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 14:41:59 +0000

Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. Grantland Rice
Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. John Updike
It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. Robert Lynd
If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. Horace G. Hutchinson
They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. Gardner Dickinson
If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they’d starve to death. Sam Snead
Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. William Wordsworth
If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt. Dean Martin
If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t have to waste energy going back to pick it up. Tommy Bolt
Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. Bishop Sheen
I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they’d come up sliced. Arnold Palmer
My handicap? Woods and irons. Chris Codiroli
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. Pete Dye
I’m hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them! Buddy Hackett
The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. Billy Graham
If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. Jack Lemmon
It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. Mark Twain
Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. Harry Vardon
Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. Jimmy DeMaret
May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. Ben Hogan
If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle. All Us Hackers
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie. George Deukmejian
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. Lee Trevino

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Witchcraft

Alex — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 03:56:19 +0000

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it’s called golf.

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Swing Thoughts

Alex — Thu, 18 Jan 2007 06:49:09 +0000

Thanks Jud!

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No Surprises

Alex — Wed, 31 Aug 2005 16:17:23 +0000

A bachelor tried to take a vacation every Winter. He was a golf nut and spent two weeks in Naples.

Last winter he met a woman out there and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. They agreed that total honesty was important so there would be “no surprises” later that would destroy their love.

“It’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut,” Tony said to his lady friend. “I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that’s a problem, you’d better say so now.”

“Well, if we’re being honest with each other, here goes,” she replied. “I’m a hooker.”

“I see,” Tony replied, and was quiet for a moment.

Then he added, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.”

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Men’s Tees

Alex — Thu, 05 May 2005 14:17:47 +0000

It was a sunny morning, a little before 8.00 am, on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the club house loud speaker.

“Would the gentleman on the woman’s tee back up to the men’s tee please!!”

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement, “Would the MAN on the WOMAN’S tee kindly back up to the men’s tee.”

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: “WOULD THE MAN ON THE WOMAN’S TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN’S TEE, PLEASE!!!”

I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back… “WOULD THE @$$HOLE WITH THE MICROPHONE KINDLY KEEP QUIET AND LET ME PLAY MY SECOND SHOT ?!”

(thanks Robbie)

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Take a Practice Swing

Alex — Wed, 13 Apr 2005 18:17:17 +0000

A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play one particular hole at Pebble Beach, California, exactly the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that juts out into the Pacific. It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success.

His ball had always fallen short, into the ocean. Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other “average” golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.

Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer. However, before he could hit it, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying, “WAIT…REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW ONE.”

He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition.

As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again, “WAIT. STEP BACK… TAKE A PRACTICE SWING.”

So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.

The voice boomed out again, “TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING.”

Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited…

A long silence followed…….

Then the voice again:

“USE THE OLD BALL.”

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BMW thinks of everything

Alex — Wed, 31 Mar 2004 22:20:58 +0000

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

“Top of the mornin to yer, sir” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick ‘hello’ and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are those”, asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on God’s earth are dey for.” inquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.

“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything.”

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