• Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
• Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
• My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
• Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
• If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
• Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
• No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
• Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
• Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
• Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
• It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
• There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness”.
• People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
• You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
• You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
• The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

Thanks Jim.